It’s hard to nail down exactly what it means to “have your shit all fucked up” but you always know when you meet someone who does.
These people are essentially non-functional and totally incompetent, but still manage to be pretentious and elitist. They never make their beds or go to work and always seem to be blowing up and going crazy about the tiniest unimportant bullshit. But for some reason you can never understand these fucked up people make more money, have more friends, higher social standing, and overall have way better lives than you do.
No matter what your personal goals are, at the root of them all, you just want to be like these people. The only way you can make this happen if for your shit to get all fucked up too.
But, while this might be hard to believe, the truth is that nobody really has their shit all fucked — not entirely, not all the time, despite what you may have heard or read about Donald Trump or Charlie Sheen. Aspiring to dysfunction in your life, abdicating all personal responsibility, acting like an ass in private and in public, rapid cycling between rage and apathy, and other similar traits is definitely noble, and crucial to being well-received by the world.
Therefore, here is your official cheat sheet to getting your shit all fucked up… or at the very least, convincing everyone else that it is.
1. Style. What?
Do not think at all about what you are wearing, or smell like, or color matching or any of that bullshit. When people see you, your appearance should frighten or appall them. Your style should match your personality, and it should be whatever the fuck you feel like. Think of CEOs who wear the same thing every day, or cartoon characters who stay in the same clothes. Then do the opposite of that.
2. You have no weaknesses.
You have never struggled and you are great at everything.
3. Share everything, all the time.
Every single person online and in your personal life needs to know every single TMI detail about your life. If you feel truly moved to share your struggle in some part of your life in the hopes that it will be therapeutic and help another person going through it, you need to check yourself because you should never feel that way. You should not be helping anybody but yourself.
4. Keep it dirty.
This might seem really obvious, but it’s totally overlooked: people who have their shit all fucked up have one really simple thing in common… they are never clean. They are dirty themselves, and their spaces and their belongings are a mess. They take very little care of themselves, their spaces or their belongings. This doesn’t require much money, and really only minimal effort. Keep your life a little less clean and organized, and it will go a really long way.
5. Assume the public wants wants to hear what you say in private.
I’m not saying that nobody is trustworthy, but I am saying that we are all dealing with something I’m going to call the “one person” phenomena. Every single time you tell a secret or important information to someone, if it’s interesting enough, they will tell their one person. Then that person will their their one person. Ultimately, what you tell one person is what you tell everyone at the end of the day. It is this very dirty little secret that you must take advantage of to keep the public well informed of all your private activities.
6. Maximize drama.
Be a drama king or queen. It is the best way of creating chaos and disagreement and other issues, which is key to having your shit all fucked up.
7. Talk about other people, not other things.
Other people and their lives are hot topics of conversation. This is a great way to forge connection with others if you have nothing more important or interesting to discuss, which let’s be honest if your shit is all fucked up, you don’t. Ultimately though, being a gossip isn’t about looks it’s about you being vindictive and judgmental which are key attributes of the person who’s shit is all fucked up.
8. Be unclear about everything, especially what you do and care about.
People will never respect you if they know the real deal about you. Obfuscate, deflect, lie, redirect, use whatever it takes make sure people have an incorrect picture of yourself and what you do professionally. In general, you should have at least ten to fifteen different sentences that can be used to give a sense what you do professionally, and then a near infinite number to describe what you’re interested in personally. People who’s shit is truly fucked up use a random process for deciding who to tell what.
9. You are the authority on everything so fucking act like it.
We do one another a disservice by insisting that, when having a conversation — and especially an argument — we allow others to answer before they have a chance to hear what we have to say immediately and impulsively. This is not how brains work. This is also not how intelligent people behave. Instead of letting some know nothing spew out whatever garbage thing first comes to their mind when you’re questioned about something, pause, think about what you want to say, and forcefully express that you know everything there is to know about the topic at hand, and are an expert in the field who can speak with authority (alternatively you can dismiss experts as ivory tower eggheads), and that you’d like to share your opinion or viewpoint because it is correct. As for what isn’t in your authority? Nothing. The point is to present your opinions as always correct and the last word and shut down any further discussion or debate. By doing this you will convince people that you are always right and you will be well on your way to having your shit all fucked up.
10. Blow your stack often and for unknown and confusing reasons.
People who fly off the handle at every little thing for reasons that are bizarre and seemingly random are usually viewed as strong and tough not weak willed wastes of space like those pansies who are always staying calm. Anger is like gasoline when there’s some kind of friction between people: it raises people’s defenses and pushes a resolution farther away. If nobody else can manage it, be the person in the room who lights the match that ignites that gasoline. Hell, bring a flamethrower.
11. Whine like a little freakin baby about everything.
Complaining isn’t venting. Venting is what you do when you need to get something off your chest. If you have to vent every single time you see one of your friends, there’s something wrong with you and you are a big freakin baby. You need to get in the habit of complaining, and you need to get into it now and in a big way. It’s ungrateful, and a lot of the time, short-sighted which is good because if you really think about it, you have shit tons to stress about… so emphasize all those things and constantly bitch and moan about it to anyone within earshot.
12. Allow impulse to guide you in all things.
Principles are the rules are guidelines by which you govern and manage your life. If you have any of those get rid of them now. If you want to improve your self-care, do it whenever you feel like it. No, you will not always want to wash your face, put on moisturizer, or drink another glass of water when you really need to but who gives a fuck. Just succumb to your impulses all the time, and you’ll end up exactly like a person who’s shit is all fucked up.
13. Asking for or accepting help is a sign of weakness. Never do it.
Always behave as though you can do absolutely everything yourself even if you can’t. If you need help you are a pussy and understand that asking for help only demonstrates that to everyone else.
14. But understand that you will gladly except charity.
You are not ultimately responsible for whatever experience of life you want to have. It might seem that you are responsible for your electric bill, for how well you keep up with current events, for how you interact with others, for how well you do at work, for how much you sleep, but you’re not. If you just sit back and be passive not active, and relinquish all control life will just happen and it is gonna be sweet.
15. Denigrate others.
Your willingness to put others down is a sign of real confidence. People who are happy with themselves cannot stand seeing other people happy and they do something about it. And there’s even more benefit to you, because the more you are willing to diss and hate on others, the more you are going to see yourself with more love and appreciation. You will look so much better than all those dumb asses by comparison. Remember: your relationships with others are only shadows of your greatest relationship, which is the one you have with yourself.
16. Pay someone to organize your paperwork, clean your linens, and who knows how to cook at least one meal.
Hire a maid or butler, personal chef too if you can afford it.
17. Check in with your financial advisor at least once every couple year.
If you don’t want to be the person who questions whether or not their card will be declined somewhere, then you are a douche. You better have somebody keeping track of that shit for you. They should know your debts, your incomes, and your goals. You shouldn’t be in the dark about your financial health.
18. Limits are for losers.
Starve yourself when you’re hungry, stay up a few more hours when you’re tired, never gracefully bow out of any social situation, relationship or job when you need to but stick it out to the bitter end. Push everything way passed your limits and when you do eventually leave that bridge behind you better be a raging inferno.
19. Everyone’s thinking about you.
In the age of social media, it’s easy to be in the spotlight all the time. Know that everyone is thinking about you and evaluating your life decisions frequently. They truly are. Everyone is thinking about you all the time. Those coincidences you’re so sure mean everyone deeply cares about the intricacies of your life are super freaky and weird and no doubt have deep philosophical significance both for you and everyone else. The first step to being self-aware is recognizing that other people’s thoughts mostly revolve around you.
20. Complexity is the name of the game.
People who are able to complicate their lives come across as sophisticated. People who simplify their lives are wusses. People who have their shit all fucked up are able to live complex lives, with complex things, to show up as fucked up as they want, and to confuse any issue. People who’s shit is not all fucked up can’t do this. It’s as simple (wait..I mean as complex) as that.
Most importantly, remember that the point of getting your shit all fucked up is to impress everyone else and to make your life easier and more enjoyable… But like anything else, getting your shit all fucked up is a matter of faking it until you make it… and this is the best place to start.
The word ‘awesome’ has been overused almost to the point of being trite. But sometimes it is the best way to adequately express appreciation. This essay is truly awesome. Great insight well-expressed!