All* Of Your Big Data Questions Answered

*(Five) Part IX In The Series — FAQs About The Future

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Self explanatory wouldn’t you say?

Big data is most often said to consist of extremely large data sets that may be analyzed computationally to reveal patterns, trends, and associations, especially relating to human behavior and interactions. Less often it is said to be data of a large size, like really large, huge even, massive. Picture data in you head, then enlarge it 500X, at least that big, sometimes even bigger than that. As big as the biggest thing you have ever seen or thought of times a million million million +1. That big. Hell, even bigger than that, infinity +1 big. Big data is not the number 10 in 96pt font in MS Powerpoint. See Figure 2 below for another example of what is not considered big data.

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Figure 2. Data in 96pt font. Surprisingly this would not be considered big data.

Big data is so important because without it such diverse and important high hype intensity ultra sexy fields like predictive analytics, machine learning, and AI revert back to their original non-tech hype forms the very unsexy: educated guessing with computers using math and statistics, computer programming with math and statistics, and computer programming with even fancier math and statistics.

I hate to break it to you son but yes. You need to stir them up in a pot with sophisticated algorithms and then slowly feed in the big data but that is it. Out comes your machine learning, AI, predictive analytics feast. It looks great but in the end it tastes like shit because each ingredient brings the same flavors.

You sure are growing up fast Timmy. When did you get so circumspect?

Now there’s the Timmy I know and love. Don’t ever leave me boy, ever.

Timmy, do you remember the first thing I ever taught you?

That’s right Timmy and the reason I said that is because when you do think you end up saying really stupid shit like what you just said a second ago. The people you think are so understanding have been told for years now that AI is already here, it is in their “smart” devices and working for their government. They have also been told that machines can learn and that soon we will be able to predict the future. Now little Timmy Timmerson comes along and says, sorry, about all that well there is just a little problem, you see it’s not exactly accurate…..How well do you think that will go over with the people you think are so understanding? Huh, Timmy? How fucking well. Look at me when I am talking to you, you little shit.

You’d better be. And let that be a lesson to you, listen to you dad and stop thinking. Better yet stop thinking and stop talking. So anyway big mother fucking data.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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