All* Of Your Hacking Questions Answered

(Nine) Part VII In The Series — FAQs About The Future

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Spooky hacker

A hacker is a skilled computer expert that uses their technological knowledge to overcome a problem. The term can refer to any computer programmer, but it mostly now refers to someone who, with their technical knowledge, uses bugs or exploits design flaws to break into computer systems. Hacking is the term of art which describes the activities of the hacker. Just kidding a hacker is a computer nerd who lives in his (only men can be hackers) parents basement and subsists on mountain dew and cheetoh’s. Their skin is pale and they sweat profusely. Even the tiniest of physical exertion causes them great distress so they usually sit motionless but for the movement of their fingers and hands for up to 12 hours a day. The rest of the time they sleep. They snore loudly and aggressively while asleep because they are massively overweight from all the Mountain Dew and Cheetoh’s combined with zero physical activity. The typical hacker masturbates 2 to 3 times daily though their frequency decreases with age as their poor health and lack of physical stamina often limit them to a single jerk off session per 24 hours. Hacking is what hackers do all day. Hacking and beating off, and eating Cheetoh’s and drinking Mountain Dew.

Hacker culture is an oxymoron. Hackers are slobs and have no culture to speak of, unless you consider obsession with Hentai Anime a culture. If you do they have a thriving culture.

Believe it or not most hackers are not born with the names they are known by in the hacking community. The name of a hacker is often their most valuable resource and stealing or using another hacker’s name while hacking is one of the highest crimes in all of hackdom. For instance if Babyfracker210 were to call himself upskirtz while hacking he could face sever sanction. For every other person on the planet the hackers name is an object of derision and hilarious laughter. They are often used in the pejorative sense but in a funny way. For instance a normal person might say “Hey Johhny did you hear about that douchebag hacker with the stupid ass dickweed name upskirtz?” “No bro what happened?” “It turns out that assmuncher and his stupid fucking name ate a turd right out of his own toilet last night.” “Damn. That is gross, but what do you expect from a crtoch licker like that shit face.”

Hackers are feared because they have the power to end the world as we know it. If blitzdong4.0 and skinztripdot ever teamed up and decided to do it they could shut down every something or other in every something in the whatever.

Sure but I don’t feel like it. Just look at Ukraine.

Yep. Terrifying. The power of these hackers. It is really scary. Frightening what they can do. You never know where they are, who they are, but they are always watching, always waiting.

Any minute now they could strike. They hide in the shadows, in the heart of the silicon jungle. There is nothing you can do to stop them.

You think you are so smart don’t you? Well I tried the strong password thing and still got hacked.

thisisnotapassword. I thought it would be unbreakable. I mean its genius right?

Fucking hackers.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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