An Intercessory Prayer for my Friend Sarah to the Sun God Ra

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Ra is one bad motherfucker

O great sun god Ra, truly you are the wisest and most powerful of the sun-based deities. Some have claimed that Huitzilopochtli is the strongest among you. They are fools, I bet if you asked, half of them could not even pronounce his name, let alone worship him properly. He prefers to be called the Dart-Hurler but everybody knows his name really means southern hummingbird. A fucking hummingbird, what a lamewad right? And wtf exactly is the Codex borbonicus? Apparently there are some illustrations of him in this so called divine book. I saw one, he looks like a fucking smurf in a goofy helmet. They should call it the codex boobonicus. That piece of shit couldn’t hold a candle to the first Pyramid Texts. He didn’t even have any cults that worship him. You even had a fucking cult center. I mean you had so many God damn (sorry) cults they needed their own center of organization and power. Your chief cult center at Iunu, the “Place of Pillars”, later known to the Greeks as Heliopolis and today located in the suburbs of Cairo, was a site to behold. Today it’s dump but I mean it’s Cairo so what do you expect. Have you seen Mexico City these days, be glad your Egyptian. Anyway Ra you kick ass and my friend Sarah needs a favor and since it involves the sun I thought you could help. She sells solar panel installations for a living. Cool right? I thought you’d like that. The problem is she sells them in Ohio. Not exactly as sunny as your old stomping grounds over there in Egypt I know. Even so she does a really great job and since tons of hippie dippie type people with gads of disposable income live in the area she does a brisk business usually. Hippies normally are pretty cool with any kind of ancient Gods and crystals and new agey shit like that so most of them probably think you are the fire. That said some probably have no idea who you are and spend all day sitting on their non shower taking smelly asses smoking bongs and hookahs. Plus some of the chicks don’t shave their legs, or their armpits, gross right? I know you liked the hairless look, I mean totally hairless, even no fucking eyebrows. That is hardcore bro. Anyway my friend Sarah is a hippie but she showers and shaves and is generally super sweet and pretty fuckin hot too so that’s a bonus. Sorry Ra I’m rambling I know but my point is she is doing great under tough circumstances but needs a little extra help this month due to some unforeseen financial difficulties. She didn’t exactly say what but I’m guessing her crack addiction has flared up again and she’s been sucking that glass dick extra hard recently. It doesn’t matter why but she needs money Ra. Please use your glorious and magnificent powers to send her some. Probably the easiest way is to just help her close the deals she already has in the pipeline. She’s already done 90% of the work for you. Thanks bro.

Yours in everlasting worship and reverence,

Dan

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