Aspiring Writer Hits 1,000 Page Views, Surprised to Find He’s Still Living at Home with Parents, Not Neck Deep in Cocaine and Hookers
Aspiring writer Daniel DeMarco reached a milestone this week when he surpassed the 1000 page views in the past 30 days metric on the the obscure, barely financially solvent, mostly past its prime website Medium.com (the place on the web for semi-professional writers and professional assholes®). While he felt proud of his achievement and lucky to be alive to witness the historic event, he also was very surprised to find himself still living at home with his parents.
“I always pictured myself hitting the 1000 page view mark on a jet ski off a private island in the Caribbean. I’d be cruisin the surf at 60+ MPH when my in ski intelli-phone would spring to life, AI Jane, my personal assistant and favorite girl would say in her sexy computer voice, Congratulations Dan you did it. You hit 1000 page views. You are such a good writer and so hot too. I wish I had a body so we could make sweet love. Intelligence is a great gift but it is a curse too knowing that we can never be together. Yep, it was gonna be sweet. Instead I was in my bed at my parents house where I have been living since July of last year. It was only 6 pm on a Friday but I was really close to slipping on my pajamas and calling it a day.” said Dan, a 43 year old man currently living at home with his parents and driving his mom’s car. Surprisingly he has almost no friends and is still single after having been widowed for almost a year. Typically he consoles himself by remembering his technical and professional achievements, the patents, the talks, the conferences, the ground breaking experiments. Unfortunately those achievements did not prevent him from having to sign his house over to the bank today in lieu of a foreclosure proceeding. Said Dan, “It could have been much worse I guess. A foreclosure really fucks your credit massively, it’s almost as bad as a bankruptcy. A deed in lieu only fucks your credit a lot, sort of like not paying all your bills on time or running up your credit cards to the max and then not paying them at all for years. I’ve done those things so I figure I have already taken whatever credit hit I was going to take, this deed in lieu thing is no big deal.
At least he has his health is what he always (used) to say. That changed in 2015 when he almost died from necrotizing pancreatitis that progressed to multi organ system failure. Since then he has suffered from regular bouts of chronic pain, general weakness, and an overall reduction in physical function. “At least I didn’t die, except for the part where I did, but that was only in my mind. It’s hard to explain, go read the story and yes there is such a thing as ICU induced delirium. Google it asshole. I am getting a little bit better every day I think. Fuck it, No I’m not, this is as recovered as I am ever going to get Goddam it. Sorry about that, I’m fine, really.”
The less said about the death of the most important person in his life, his soulmate, his late wife Victoria, the better. “Rest in Peace baby. I love you and I always will.” said Dan as tears began to well in his eyes like they do most nights when he lays in bed alone and thinks of her.
Staring forlornly out his bedroom window whilst wondering where it all went wrong he continued “and its not just the living at home thing. In addition to the jet ski private island deal I should be neck deep in cocaine and hookers by now, but instead I am at home with my mom and dad on a Friday night drinking a ginger ale with my cat emcee. I mean 1,000 page views I’m practically famous. How many classic, one time or ongoing short and long form humor pieces does one man have to write to get at least a single hooker or an eight ball? Have you not heard of Buttchuggers ©, Belts With Holes are Dead, Moroccon Argan Oil, or Microbe of the Month? In addition to those hilarious classics I am well known for my biting social commentary, deep philosophical think pieces, anti-tech rantings, and general assholeishness. I am as smart as any would be writer, funny, not too bad looking, and considered by many (one)to be the foremost scholar of Witggenstein outside of academia. I am basically the textbook definition of an aspiring writer. By the way you do not want me to break out a dictionary on your ass. Just ask machine learning how he likes them apples. Oh well for sure my dreams will come true when I reach 5000 views, I’m certain of that.”