A new study released today by researchers from Al Akhawayn University in Morocco suggests that coconut oil causes cancer in almost any human that uses it for even a brief period. Moroccan Ministry of Science spokesman Mohammed Alwan said of the findings “We always knew coconut oil was inferior to Moroccan argan oil in terms of its ability to control flyaway and frizz in human hair without leaving a greasy residue. And of course we knew it could not match the smoothing softness of argan oil when used as a skin conditioning treatment. However, few suspected until now that coconut oil actually causes cancer. These findings are shocking and saddening. To all the women and men who have explored coconut oil as an alternative to argan oil in hair and skin care products we can only say, I told you so.” Cancer researchers outside of Morocco were less enthusiastic about the findings suggesting bias on the part of Moroccan researchers. Harvard cancer doctor Bill Pullman said “The data in this so called study make zero sense and the sample size of 2 Moroccan goat herders is much to small to draw any statistically significant conclusions. The materials and methods section describes the procedure for producing argan oil in excruciating detail including the role of the Moroccan tree goat in the process, while the coconut oil used for the study was supposedly purchased at a local Wal-Mart. It s obvious that the study was rigged from the outset and that Moroccan financial interests in the argan oil market really drove the predetermined outcome.” Alwan shot back “Everyone knows Harvard medical is in the pockets of big coconut and has been from day one. Next thing you know the University of Hawaii will be weighing in for coconut oil. Bunch of ivory tower eggheads.” University of Hawaii spokesmen could not be reached for comment as they were currently at the beach sipping coconut milk directly from freshly fallen coconuts through giant twizzly straws.