Hostage Situation Develops as Argan Oil Tanker Seized by Pirates

Terror on the high seas as once again argan oil pirates have commandeered a Moroccan tanker on its way to deliver it’s precious cargo of the world’s most valuable hair care product additive. It is the third time in just the last month that pirates have captured a tanker and marks the 50th recorded raid this year. Much like in previous attacks the pirates used stealth and speed to their advantage, hiding until only moments before their target was in range and then rapidly boarding and overtaking the vessel before the crew even realized what was happening.

All eighteen members of the Moroccan crew are now hostages and ransom demands have already been relayed to the Moroccan government and crew members families. A transcript of one such demand was made available and read in part “…………..We ‘ave yer precious cargo o’ arrhgan oil. We ‘ave th’ ships crew. We shall scuttle one hostage every hour on th’ hour ’til we get th’ twenty million in untraceable financial instruments we demanded delivered exactly as instructed, and we do nah accept bitcoin. We do nah believe Nakamoto’s solution t’ th’ double-spendin’ problem usin’ a peer-t’-peer network be legitimate or workable in th’ long term. Simply put th’ required network timestamps on transactions could nah be accomplished by hashin’ them into an ongoin’ chain o’ hash-based proof-o’-works. Contrary t’ Nakamoto, this log could be changed without redoin’ th’ proof-o’-work. Moreover, th’ longest chain may nah always prove th’ sequence o’ events witnessed, or prove that it came from th’ largest pool o’ CPU power. In any o’ these (rare) cases th’ entire blockchain collapses ‘n bitcoin be worthless. T’ repeat, we do nah accept bitcoin…...” The pirates provided copies of several papers published by their leader in the journals Acta Mathematica and Inventiones Mathematicae in which they used Nash’s equilibrium to illustrate the ultimate impossibility of a non decryptable blockchain. In what should have been a clue the papers include several cryptic messages blasting argan ail for “ruining the environment” and even hint at the hostage taking tactic the pirates would employ “….the so called Prisoner’s dilemma described by Nash is the same dilemma the Moroccan government will face when we present our demands…...”

As of press time it was unclear if any of the hostages had yet been killed.

Author’s note: I am on a roll now. Argan oil, pirates, bitcoin. Sweet. It proves once again what I have been saying about argan oil to anyone who will listen to my crazy rantings (no one). Argan oil is the newest, hottest, kid on the block when it comes to topical, factoid based, humor like, internet-o-sphere postings. Act now before it is too late, and start publishing argan oil themed works or you will look like a fool later. You do not want to be the last writer to hop on this argan oil based bandwagon. Believe me. Note: you probably should not believe me.