How Do I Get Customers to Buy My Product on Medium?

Lesson #1: Never Ask That Question

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An example of what you are not doing here. Image courtesy of Pixabay, Like Baywatch but for Pixies.

Always remember that nothing, and I mean nothing, irritates people more than when they believe someone is trying to sell them something. That is as true in the real world as it is here in our nano section of the interwebonet. No matter what you do, do not be a salesmen. You are not selling a product or a service. You are not selling anything. If you want to be a salesperson there are plenty of companies out there who pay decent wages for good ones. Go find one of those places to sell, because you do not want to sell anything here. All you want to do on Medium, all you should want to do here is create. What you create, how you create is entirely up to you but you need to spend 100% of your time creating, and 0% of your time selling.

The people you want as your “customers” do not take kindly to being categorized in that fashion and in fact actively resent it. The only thing that pisses me off more then somebody trying to sell me something is somebody calling me or thinking of me as a “customer.” It makes me feel all icky and gross and disgusting. It also makes me angry, very, very angry. What it does not do is inspire me to spend money accept perhaps to hire a hit man to end the life of the person who is viewing me as a customer. Ouch. Yep, it is that bad. Don’t ever, ever do it. Ever. As that guy from Pulp Fiction and Snakes on a Plane who’s name is escaping me right now for some reason, but is ultra famous, and totally memorable might say, there are no mother fuckin customers. Damn, wtf is his name? I can totally picture him in my mind, how he looks, sounds, in various movies, even on talk shows, but still not coming to me. And this dude is famous, famous, even a non pop culture following dickhead like me knows him. Not James Earl Jones but like him sort of, I think, or maybe not. Anyway…

This is not a marketplace of ideas or a transformation shop or whatever the fuck some dickweed or weedette wants to call it. You do not sell or advertise or market products here. You might think you are doing that, or can do that, but you are wrong, you cannot. What you create and publish here is not a product. If you are creating a product for this website you are wasting your time. Go put it on Etsy or one of those artsy fartsy sell you overpriced faux artisan crap sites, you know the ones I’m talking about. At least I imagine you do, because I have no idea. Other than Etsy I can’t name a single one. That is because in general I have no clue. And yet you are reading this thinking that I know what the fuck I am talking about. Sorry Einstein, wrong again. No clue, but that never stopped me before so finally…

Why you create is another matter entirely and the answer to that question can determine your chances of ever making any money here. If the answer to why you create is “to make money” or “to sell” you will do neither. If it happens to be the case that somebody is interested in spending money for your creations you will gladly accept it, but that is not why you created them. If it is why then I can guarantee you will not succeed. In fact I am so confident of this fact that I am going to create a brand new patented DeMarco rule of life right now. Let’s call it DeMarco rule of life #88 because I like the number 8. The amount of money you will make on Medium is inversely proportional to the percentage of your motivation that is based on making money on Medium. For the math challenged that translates as the more your motivation is to make money the less your chances of actually making any.

Also, there are no customers here. Especially me, I am not your customer and never will be. Do not fucking forget that. Ever.

Samuel L. Jackson. Yep. Can’t believe I couldn’t remember that. Damn.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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