After years of false starts and empty promises actual communication between cat and man has at last been demonstrated conclusively. The stunning and groundbreaking result was reported at 3:20 AM EST last night by local cat owner and behavioralist Dr. Daniel DeMarco. Reportedly the first “words” communicated by the hyper intelligent feline known only by the initials TB were, “wake up, I’m hungry, feed me.” Dr. DeMarco states that he was awoken around 3:15 AM by a light scratching at his face. Shortly thereafter he was bitten softly on the left arm. His report states that he failed to respond to this obvious attempt at the first ever inter species communication. Instead he pulled the covers over his entire body, mumbled “fuck off, I need to sleep” rolled over, than tried to return to his previously peaceful slumber. The cat however was persistent. The time for cat and man to finally understand each other was at hand. TB jumped onto the covered human and landed with all four of her paws directly on his head. Dr. DeMarco’s report described the cat as significantly overweight for her age and breed. Later observation would confirm she was in fact obese. Given her large stature and the positioning of her body directly on the head of the human it was clear she needed to be fed at that very moment.
“TB is a spoiled brat and a big fat pig” said Dr. DeMarco in the discussion section of his final paper describing the seminal interaction. “But she was hungry, she let me know that in no uncertain terms, and I responded by getting up in the middle of the night and feeding her. Clearly man and cat communicated in that moment.” The cat ate her food and promptly threw up all over the carpet. Dr. DeMarco woke up the next day, stepped in the puke, than spent the next ten minutes grumbling to himself as he cleaned up the mess. The cat reportedly licked her crotch as she watched.