I am truly sorry for your loss Mollie. I have lost beloved cats before. It never gets any easier. Know this, there is zero reason to feel any shame or embarrassment at how much it hurts. Even less reason to try and hide those feelings. Cats are magical beings and when one that is special to you is lost it is right to miss them.
I am not one to believe much in anything that I cannot observe or prove but I make an exception when it comes to felines. I like to believe we will be reunited with them someday. They are the only link we have left to the mystical in this world. Maybe he waits for you, ready to nuzzle in the crook of your arm, dreaming his cat dreams, sleeping and purring softly as he always has.
Maybe you can find some comfort in my story.