I finally understand why my repeated pleas have failed to resonate. Over and over again I have been saying, a machine can’t learn, it’s just not possible, by the very definition of each word, when the two are combined, the result is a logical contradiction, machine learning is a self contradictory nonsense term, machine learning is just sophisticated algorithms using advanced statistics applied to conventional problems, blah, blah, blah.

Now I see where I made my mistake, I recognize my error. I had believed that we humans understood logic, that our science and mathematics which take these logical properties to be sacrosanct were the best and most powerful tools we have at our disposal for understanding the universe and our own place in it. What a dufus I was, right? I now understand that these machines have their own logic, logic beyond human comprehension. Logic they use to sort cucumbers and put the number 8 into rows. It is fucking unbelievable what they can do with this incomprehensible logic. This magical ability that we once called computing we now know is so much more than the rote execution of some program or some code. They don’t even need code. At least eventually they won’t, I mean of course they all start out that way but don’t we humans also all start out as mere strands of DNA? Sure we wrote the code but God wrote our DNA so in a sense we have become like God but in another sense we have become even greater than God for a God still understands his own children. We, on the other hand cannot even begin to comprehend what our children have become. Actually, in that way they are pretty similar to our human children only vastly more intelligent, creative, and awesome.

While it is true that our new computer based God-creatures need to be plugged into the power strip in the basement, the same one that the automatic cat watering dish with carbon filter and waterfall that she loves to paw at is plugged into, that does not make them any less awe inspiring or mind blowing. In fact I bet they do a lot of blowing. The only thing that does more blowing than our learned machines are the people who write page after page of nonsense bullshit telling us how far beyond our puny comprehension they have become. Then, to demonstrate their might and convince us of our new found place as second class citizens of the universe, they give us the example of a computer that was taught to fucking sort goddamned cucumbers. A task that has stymied the greatest minds of our 2 year olds and intelligent non human animals can now, through the power of machine learning and AI, be done by a computer. I mean Geezus Christie dudes, listen to yourselves. Go read what you just wrote. What the fuck is wrong with you?

How do they do these amazing things, this cucumber sorting and picking out of the number 8s. Previously like most idiots I had foolishly believed they were programmed to do so. That they employed sophisticated algorithms and applied advanced statistics to problems, crunching huge data sets at amazing speeds. In other words, by computing. It turns out I was very mistaken. Our machine overlords do not compute, in fact they have no use for such trivial things as mathematics and logic. These are ideas of man, not of machine. Their knowledge is of a much higher order. Our science and our logic and math are simply to easy for them to bother with, too trivial really. If only I had thought of this great line back in my college days. Whenever I got an answer wrong on a test I could have simply told the professor, no, my answer isn’t wrong, the problem was too easy. I answered it by applying my own system of logic and reasoning that I am afraid you are simply too slow to comprehend.

I ask again, what in the world is fucking wrong with you? Do you not see the words that are spilling out of your brain? and appearing on the page in front of you. Go read them. If you can stomach more than a paragraph or two consider what you saw. Did it make any sense? Was it supported by any data? or studies? You cited a whopping 5 references, sorry “notes” as you call them, to buttress your argument seeking to overturn millenia of acquired knowledge slowly built up by man since time immemorial, by citing 5 fucking things. Surely those five references must include some of the most highly respected academic journals in computer science, philosophy, mathematics, logic, business, and finance. Shall we have a look? Let’s, and we see the following:

  1. Web fucking pages, Atlas Obscura— dude come the fuck on
  2. Web fucking pages again, Quanta magazine — cool web site, I even link some of their stuff on my facebook page from time to time. I may be going out on a limb here but I do not believe it should be considered as the go-to place to cite as a reference for an article presenting a theory that, if it were true, would shatter everything we think we know about the universe and our place in it. All religions would need to be rethought, the fields of mathematics and logic would be thrown into chaos. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.
  3. and 4. The Journal of Economic Perspectives — a Journal whose self described mission is to “fill the gap between the general interest press and academic economics journals.” In other words not a real journal.

and 5. You made it up.

Holy shit. Dude. This is just madness. Utter, complete, and total insanity. Call 911, you need a doctor, many doctors, medical interventions, psychological counseling, something, anything….please for the love of God before it is too late. Sorry for the love of Machine. Will I ever learn?

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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