I Went Out with a Girl and She Stiffed Me for $150 Bottle of Wine
I Went Out with a Guy and He Sent Me an Invoice
There are times in a woman’s life where she begins to wonder if she just ought to give up on life and join a nunnery.
There are times in a man’s life when he begins to wonder if he just ought to give up on life and join the priesthood.
One such time was during a date with Rachel.
I have met some fucked up women, women who think their shit don’t stink, have frizzy hair, thought I would marry her after one date, and one chick who didn’t even know what drum and bass was. I mean come the fuck on it’s 2018 not 1998.
But Rachel truly takes the cake as one of the worst dates ever. Like I’d rather stick my fingers in cat shit than talk to her again after what she pulled.
I met her online.
There are really only three things I look for. Is she a woman, at least kind of hot, and will she go out with me. Profile, career, similar interests, I ignore all that shit. This system generally weeds out most of the psychos and long term relationship types. Occasionally one would slip through and I would curse myself wondering how I could have let such a poor specimen slip through (like the girl who decided it would be appropriate to knee me in the nuts right in the middle of session of passionate French kissing). My time is precious. Dare I even say sacrosanct. I do not have time to waste on women who are clearly not a potential match.
Rachel seemed to fit all the basic requirements. She was a woman, not deformed or anything, perky tits. I’m English but she was American and while I don’t really give a shit about accents, I figured American chicks typically put out early so that’s sweet.
I suggested dinner which she was hesitant to agree to. To be honest I was hesitant as well, the last thing I wanted was a long dinner with a fatal attraction or someone who thinks Will Ferrell is a comic genius. But I needed to get food on the way home from work anyway so figured, what the fuck, why not kill two birds with one stone. She said ok, or something about snacks, I don’t really remember.
Igot to the restaurant right on time as usual and thought I recognized Rachel sitting at a table and waved hello. When she noticed me and waved back I thought about what I was going to watch on tv when I got home that night.
I sat down and starting talking about my day. I was a bit out of breath from the long walk, plus my cardio fitness pretty much sucks. Also, I didn’t have time to brush my hair or anything at the office so no doubt I looked a little scruffy. Plus I had done a couple of lines of blow in the men’s bathroom on the way out of the office and that shit was strong, like the loco coco so I probably also seemed a little bit hyper. She just sat there nodding along as I talked. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who just sit there like lumps on a log. Not only is it highly uncomfortable, I am forced to stand there wondering what the fuck is going on. The only time I sit still is when I’m 12 cans in to a 24 pack of Miller Lite.
I figured that I may as well make the best of a bad situation, and maybe the girl would wake the fuck up if I got her a little drunk so I asked
“Should we get a bottle of wine?” I was sweating quite a lot from the blow even though it was the middle of November.
“Uh, I think I’m good with a glass.” She said
“I think we should get a bottle. We’ll both have 2 glasses.”
“I think I’ll just have one,” she responded.
“In that case, I’ll have three,” I replied.
I proceeded to order a $148 bottle of wine which is actually kind of on the low end for me, but I didn’t want to spend a ton of money on a Tinder date. If we had met IRL and already established we liked each other or if this was our second date, or if I thought getting laid was a sure thing, then yes, maybe I would drop some real dime, but at this stage in the game, it just seemed nuts.
The way Rachel was gritting her teeth had me wondering if she was doing coke to. I almost asked her but chickened out at the last second.
She was just sitting there like a dead fish so I started to ask her a few questions in an attempt to generate some sort of conversational back and forth. No matter what I asked about though she just sat there with this annoyed look on her face. To be honest it was really starting to piss me off. Suddenly, out of the blue she snaps “Sometimes Gavin there isn’t a reason why, I just think there’s always a deeper reason to everything, people just don’t want to admit it. Alright, whatever.” The words coming out of her mouth made no sense and definitely did not apply to the things I had been talking about so I thought she was playing some sort of freaky word association game so I just blurt out.
“So, you must have a thing for man buns?” which was pretty damn funny I think. The chick didn’t even crack a smile, she just takes a sip her wine and continues to stare around the restaurant, looking bored and tired.
“You’re not laughing at any of my jokes,” I said in an attempt to once again engage her in normal human interaction. Once again I was rebuffed with a look that said, go eat a dick. Finally she says
“Because they aren’t funny, and I wan’t to go home now, can you get the check” Then she disappears into the ladies room for like 20 minutes and I’m stuck sitting there, dick in hand waiting for her to return. I figured I may as well order some dessert while I waited
Finally she got back to the table and I tried to offer her some of the chocolate cake I had ordered. The normal response to such an offer would be something like “no, thank you” or “yes, please”. Not Rachel, she just glared at me like she wanted to bite my head off. What a bitch this chick was.
I tried for a final time to engange her in conversation as I ate my cake alone and then we got up and left. Of course I picked up the tab. It was sort of a dangerous neighborhood so I thought the least I could do was escort her to the subway. Even that kind offer was rebuffed with more annoyed grunts and snide comments. Just then I saw a bar that I had really been wanting to check out so I hurried off. I got absolutely trashed that night and ended up passing out in the alley behind the bar. That’s when I looked at my phone and saw that I had sent the following text.
“I had a great time with you Rachel. I’d love to see you again.”
AHHHHHHH!!! Holy Fuck. I hated that bitch, why in the fuck would I send a text like that. Luckily she ghosted me. I can’t imagine the horror that might await if she had actually responded in the positive.
The next day I got to thinking about what a shitty time I had, how much time I had actually wasted on this dumb broad. Then I saw the receipt from the dinner “date” we went on and I had a brilliant idea. I mailed her an invoice for the bottle of wine. Fucking brilliant man. I mean the chick essentially stiffed me for $150. I got zero enjoyment out of my time with her. In fact I actually went net negative in the happiness department.
I wish I could have seen her face when she opened up that bill. I can only imagine what she must have been thinking.
Does this fool actually think I am going to give him money for the $148 bottle of wine that I didn’t even want?
Just the thought of pissing her off was enough to make me smile.
 Seriously why do so many guys look like chicks these days?
 Unless it’s a southern accent. I can’t stand fucking hillbilly rednecks
Author’s postscript: Lest there is any confusion on this point. The asshole in this story is not me. After reading Rachel’s story I tried to imagine what the guy she described (Gavin) in the story would really be like, and how he might have told the tale differently. I also tried to mimic, to the extent possible, the tone and writing style that Rachel had used in her post and obviously also cribbed directly in a number of places. I have zero sympathy for Gavin and he sounded like a sexist, arrogant prick, a jerk, and also sort of clueless and dumb, but not in a sweet way. That is how I tried to portray him in this. This is in no way meant to endorse the things he says or does which are truly horrible and gross. In fact as I re-read the piece just now he actually struck me as quite possibly dangerous and psychotic. Actually kind of scary. That said it is intended to be a humorous piece and I hope everyone can find at least something to laugh about.
Author’s postscript #2: The author of the original article has blocked me and the response I posted to it which linked to this piece. It is my first blocking ever. I have to say it definitely hurts some, but I guess I can see why she did it though I disagree strongly, and believe she is unjustified in doing so. In a vacuum it might seem as if I am mocking her or otherwise belittling the post that she had written. If she did read the entire thing she may have not seen or chosen to ignore the author’s postscript. As I said previously the intent was not at all to mock Rachel but rather to show what a terrible person this Gavin could/might in my imagination be. Whatever, fuck it, now I am depressed, that just sucks.