Is there anything more tired than this question, other then apparently many women after sex? For such an oft asked query a formulaic response always works. Let’s consult the old sex calculator to find the answer. Now, where did I put that equation? Ahh, there it is…

X = ((a + p) * (o + ((r + e))/l

We solve for X (most often in minutes or rarely hours) by adding (a , not at all clever and vaguely lame joke. See my first sentence above for a prime example) to a philosophical discourse (b) which can be a few sentences to many, many paragraphs. The sum of those two terms are multiplied by the closing wry observation (o) [e.g by that time I’m already thinking about (insert not at all funny reference to breakfast, banking, work, or family)] sometimes followed by the brutally honest reveal (r, e.g. of course, I can only last about 3 minutes myself) + excuse (e) which can be either serious, e.g. but I had half a ball shot off in Vietnam, or not funny). The double parentheses are used to indicate the optional nature of this term. Finally the whole shebang is divided by the required shout out to love (l, e.g. if you are in love it shouldn’t really matter) but I consider it optional myself, and often leave it out of the equation entirely. For the sake of mathematical completeness I have included (l)in the standard reference formula shown above. The exact same formula can also be applied to the standard sex question How many dates/how long should you wait before having sex? And there you have it. Use this formula anytime you feel like crapping out a response in five minutes or less to a question you have seen or heard asked a thousand times before. You know it works because it’s math.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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