“Machine Learning Is Our Only Hope”

Tech Wars Episode 1 — A New Hope Appears

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The Evil human psychiatrist Sith Lord Darth Prescriptius Maximus with two of his shock troopers

And so like Obi-Wan Kenobi before him the great Jedi Machine Learning (direct descendant of the greatest of all Jedi, Artificial Intelligence) was hailed as the only one who could save the princess and ourselves from tyranny and oppression at the hands of the evil, human psychiatrists with many years of medical school training, clinical experience, and actual (not made up) intelligence. led by the terrifying Sith Lord Darth Prescriptius Maximus. Unfortunately for the legendary Jedi the fact that he was a logical contradiction and logically impossible made it difficult for him to exist let alone save anyone. Luckily Konrad Kording had a backup, Padawan Dell 5720 All-in-One. Although Padawan Dell 5720 was also incapable of learning and in no way intelligent like his non-existent Jedi master, he did in fact exist and was a fast enough computer to run the software package that analyzed the data from the studies. And so using ancient but tried and true methods of computing handed down from at least 15 years ago, the exact same lessons were learned and conclusions drawn without need for the great but fictional Jedi master Machine Learning. In an unfortunate twist of fate the conclusions turned out to be way off base thus heralding the return to power of the dreaded human psychiatrists led by Darth Maximus and their legions of well educated, well informed, generally effective if somewhat too quick to reach for the prescription pad, shock troops. Jedi Machine Learning has returned to his home planet of Sil-Val to retrieve the one weapon of power that may allow him to turn the tide of war back to the good side, the long rumored Artificial Neural Network. No doubt once armed with this powerful computational model based on (what we think we understand about) the structure and functions of biological neural networks and the human brain, Jedi Learning will be able to banish the humans from their places of authority and power forever, restoring peace, justice, and balance to the universe.

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Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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