Microbe of the Month — Welcomes New Members and Time is Running Out!
Authors note: At my work we have been on a bit of a hiring spree lately. Things are really starting to improve on the work side of things but more importantly, this has done wonders for my readership numbers. The employees at my business skew young, the majority being members of the millenial generation. They get an extra bit of attention. To welcome them to the family I prepared this extra special edition of Microbe of the Month.
Microbe of the monthTM is absolutely thrilled to welcome all our new members (Microbe of the Monthians) to the fold. We know you have a choice1 in monthly microbe themed infotainment and to think that out of the thousands of options you selected us. It really is heart warming, in fact we are choking up a little bit just thinking about it. As new members you are entitled to the same great privileges, awards, and benefits as the most veteran of our monthers. First and foremost, you will receive an email once or twice a month delivered straight to your work account containing the latest and greatest microbial facts, figures, tables, illustrations, pictures, hyperlinks, embedded video, etc. If we can stick it in an email we will jam it in your inbox. Don’t worry, even though we have your name, email address, workplace, home address, employee ID#, SSN#, and phone number on file we never2 sell that information to anyone without your express written permission3. Back to the benefits, there are a bunch of other ones also, or at least there might be, probably should be really, actually right now the emails are basically the only benefit. One could argue they are more of a burden than a benefit but let’s not get caught up in semantics and move on to the next topic.
There can be no doubt that Microbe of the Month® is the tightest, dopest, phatest, wickedest, and sickest microbe associated monthly mass email on the planet. And, as you no doubt gathered from our lingo we understand the millennial generation. We get you, we know how busy you are. After all mom and dad aren’t gonna let you just live in their basement for free are they? That list of chores they give you every two weeks for ‘rent” keeps getting longer. Not to mention how time consuming it is to keep up with three MMORPGs simultaneously. It keeps getting harder and harder to reach your dream of max leveling your Paladin Throng the Inhaler ever since WOWC raised it to 70 with The Burning Crusade expansion. Then it got even harder when Wrath of the Lich King, raised it to 80 and finally the Mists of Pandaria expansion, raised it to 90. How could anyone be expected to spend that much time playing an online fantasy game? I mean you have busy lives right.
By now you must understand that we do indeed get it but even with all that it getting there is still no excuse for not submitting an entry for this month’s Microbe of the MonthTM Amazing microbe factoid edition trivia challenge. You only have like 3 days or something left. At the stroke of midnight on March 31st 2017 the doors of the MOtM® trivia dungeon lock and no answers will be accepted. The prize is basically $50. It’s not really $50, it’s a $50 gift card, we are not stupid enough to just hand you $50 in cash which you would surely blow on a copy of Mass Effect Andromeda or a pre-release of Destiny 2 on PS4. Millenials and their video gaming I just don’t get it. Luckily we, as in Microbe of the MonthTM, do!
1You have no choice, you are on a distribution list. Sorry.
2Rarely, well not that often, ok maybe sometimes, it really just depends on how much money we are talking about.
3Express “written” permission granted upon receipt of this email. Sorry kids but that’s why they make spam filters. Am I right?
Authors note: Of course I am a huge fan of Microbe of the Month and would love to continue providing this great free service each and every month. However, much like public radio I need your support to keep going. I spend at least ten minutes each month working on this stuff, that’s ten minutes I could be spending at the bar getting hammered. So please submit an answer, my ego is very easily bruised. I promise there is no penalty for trying and there are no right or wrong answers, only answers I disagree with, those obviously are wrong, but other than that you are good. If you are interested in previous editions of Microbe of the Month (good for you!) they are on file at the library of congress or available for recovery from the deleted items trashbin (it has the little icon with a recycle symbol on it, what exactly are they recycling?) of a colleagues [redacted] email.
Daniel DeMarco, Ph.D.