On This Day I Swear It, I Shall One Day Publish The Great American Pirate Themed Novel
Everyone mocked me when I vowed I would some day be spoken of in the same breathe with the great American authors of pirate literature. Of all the literary sub genres the pirate novel is arguably one of the most prestigious and acclaimed. Completion and publication of a pirate focused or even pirate themed novel has been said by many to represent the greatest of literary challenges for any writer, let alone a prickly newcomer like myself. To them I say you don’t know me. You have no idea the skills I possess, the depth of knowledge of pirate culture I have obtained, the encyclopedic bank of pirate phrases, the raw talent, and frankly the ambition I bring to bear.
I trained myself to become a master pirate ship builder, went to veterinary school to study parrots, and even acted as scrub nurse for both hand to hook and shin to post replacement surgeries. I have done all things pirate, seen all things pirate, even been all things pirate. And yet still they mock me. “How could you have done pirate things?” they ask sneeringly. “There haven’t been pirates in hundreds of years.” Their stupidity annoys me but I do not have time to school these ignorami on the history of pirates and pirating in the America’s. I already did that during the two years I spent as a visiting adjunct professor in Cambridge teaching a graduate level course on the topic. I had recently traveled to England after spending three years as a deckmate on the SS Aziz, a Somali pirate raiding ship attacking and often commandeering large container vessels off the coast east Africa. While the Aziz boasted a crew of only six tough as nails Somalis and was held together with not much more than three rolls of duct tape and a lot of wishful thinking, and way too much Moroccan meth, I’d put that crew of mateys up agains a team of highly trained American Seals any day. One day I did and while sadly all six were killed within seconds by sniper rounds to the head from 1000 yards, they all showed the heart of pirate that day. So to answer your question I have been a Pirate thank you very much.
Is that not enough Pirate for you? Well I’m just getting started so sit your ass down and listen. You may have heard of the term, butt pirate, perhaps even used it disparagingly? Often used mockingly or in a crude manner it can refer to any number of homosexual persons or acts. This is neither the time nor place to describe them all in detail but rest assured I have seen them all, done them all, been them all and I have the rectal scarring and anal fissures to prove it if you care to have a look. It took close to three years of toil, sweat, tears, and blood, mostly the last three, to accomplish that task. I still have trouble sitting when it rains and I have to wear adult diapers to contain the constant fecal leakage as a result of the total destruction of my bowel muscles.
I could go on and on and on but I feel I must close by repeating again the vow I so boldly proclaimed in the title of this piece and emphasize once more that while membership in the elite club of American authors of pirate themed literature is small their influence has been mighty indeed. They include some of American literature’s greatest, in any genre. For example, there’s Robert Louis Stevenson and then there’s…..
You know, that one dude
He wrote that thing about pirates. A giant of literature he is for sure.
I will someday surpass that one dude who wrote that one thing about Pirates that one time, this I swear!
But first I need to bone up on my pirate phrases.
Authors note: With sincere apologies to The Onion if any plagiarism may have occurred. It was unintentional. I vaguely recall that something sort of along these lines was published there one time long ago. Even if not the tone and tenor is very Onion like to be sure. That said I will not apologize for adopting that style. I truly believe that while not everyone can be original and great every time everyone can be great most of the time. Inspirational right? Put that fucker on a bumper sticker.