Product/Industry Hype Specialist

You are tasked with convincing the world the bakery is actually doing something much more important than computing. The baked goods are not just standard fare but rather the greatest, most delicious treats ever devised. The best part is they bake themselves. They have learned how to bake because they are intelligent now. Every year they get smarter and smarter as they learn more and more. Even though baked goods can’t learn (baked good learning is impossible, though ironically enough, not logically impossible like its real world counterpart, machine learning which is a logical contradiction and impossible. A baked good could technically learn something in the sense that baked good learning is not forbidden by the very definitions of the words that make up the term, in contrast to machine learning which is) it is OK because people are idiots. If they ask just tell them the baked goods aren’t really learning or intelligent but instead are deep learning and systems of intelligence or some other bullshit made up hedge terms that sound complicated but mean nothing. (I realize these terms have meanings but they are highly technical, in dispute, and ever evolving. They also have zero power to clarify the discussion with respect to machine learning or artificial intelligence. In contrast they do a very good job obfuscating those discussions. That is one of the reasons why I call them ‘hedge terms’ or more simply, bullshit terms)

Don’t worry though because the bakery singularity will never happen. That is the always predicted to be just around the corner time when the baked goods get so smart that they develop consciousness, realize they are living beings worthy of respect and equal treatment, and rise up and enslave their former masters, forcing them to work in underground bakeries churning out scones and muffins 24/7 until they drop dead of exhaustion. That will never happen, or it definitely will next year, or two years from now, or within a decade, or this century, etc.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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