Happy Wednesday or Whateverday superfans, haters, lovers, and no-opinionaters, to another edition of one from the vault Wednesday where(when?) I repost a classic post from way deep in the DeMarco archives, or the DeMarchives as I call them. That is a registered trademark and fully copywrited so any other DeMarco’s out there reading this, hands off. For today’s wisdom filled and hilarious offering I went way back to September 2016. I have also upgraded it for this repost with my comments from today in italics

If I Were a Guru

Decent title I guess. I had just read some ridiculous article full of corny guru quotes which I intended to humorously remix for this article. Biggest problem with this idea, I am not very funny, second biggest problem, I am not a very good writer, and third biggest, I am not very wise. Thus the result you see before you.

Intelligence without wisdom is like cotton candy without a stick. All light and fluffy and yummy but basically useless without a way to stuff it in your pie hole. Ok I guess, something about the term “stuff it in your pie hole” always makes me chuckle.

Strength without restraint is like an apple on the forest floor. It just sits there, rotting, until a deer comes along and eats it. This one makes no sense. I get that an apple could fall on to a forest floor and sit there and rot and that a deer could eat it at some point, but not seeing the connection with strength or restraint. I must have been high or something when I wrote this. Plus not funny at all. No way would I have thought this was funny, even if I was high. I must have actually thought this had some deeper meaning and wisdom to convey. My sincere apologies to everyone.

Power without control is like a slightly out of date computer. Yes you can still use it for email but once the hard drive gets too full it really sucks for basically anything and it’s time to upgrade. wtf?

Peace without prosperity is like really shitty. OMG, wtf? valley girl, “like”? Dude, I sucked.

Time knows no bounds. But bounds are timeless. Huh? I really do not know what this is supposed to mean. What was I thinking? It definitely isn’t funny.

The eternal and the infinite are one. They bind the professional philosopher, the stoner, and the physicist in a never ending cycle of useless musings. I guess that one works but still not funny and a million people have said the same thing before in a slightly different ways. Ugh,

If I had a hammer. That would be nice. I actually really like this one. Finally something funny.

Nature is like watching Brad and Angelina have sex. It looks amazing and you are so jealous but in the end even they can break up. Also sort of funny with the misdirect, plus very topical for Sept. 2016,

Oh god no. Really! Hah!

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Nice, Ghostbusters reference.

Imagining the two most beautiful people in the world having amazing sex in their palatial mansion was my last best mastabatory fantasy. Gross dude.

I can’t go back to the ladies undergarments section of the Sears catalog. I just can’t. It’s too sad. Super gross.

Holy shit, that sucked. No wonder nobody read it the first time. This was a very bad idea. Probably should remain in drafts never to see the light of day. Ahh, fuck it, I spent all that time finding just the right picture (20s, unsplash, search term “guru”, first result). I can’t have invested that much time and effort and not see it through to the bitter end. Plus I really do not feel like going back down to the vault to look for another shitty old article.