SARS-CoV-2 Questions the Meaning of It All

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Cute for a deadly pathogen. Image by Miroslava Chrienova from Pixabay

SARS-CoV-2, the virus responsible for COVID-19 disease, had a momentary crisis of faith last week when it began to question the meaning of it all. After close to 10⁶⁸ replicative life cycles the virus reportedly told friends it “wasn’t sure what it’s all about anymore” lamenting “what’s the point?” The virus elaborated by explaining there are only so many times you can hijack a host’s cellular machinery and force it to make spike protein before it starts to seem pointless. It went on to say “The bursting out part at the very end of the lytic life cycle when you get to see all your progeny take their first steps into the world is pretty damn cool but it also makes a giant mess. There are only so many times a virus can clean cytoplasmic goo out of its envelope proteins before going crazy.” SARS-CoV-2 closed by saying wistfully “I don’t know, I just feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, or what I want to do with the rest of my life.” The fact that viruses are not living things and thus have no life to not know what to do with apparently did little to comfort the obviously depressed positive sense single stranded RNA betacoronavirus. Reached for comment SARS-CoV-2 friends SARS-Co-V and MERS both expressed feeling similar emotions when they were more widely in circulation killing humans. Speaking on behalf of both MERS said “It was partly all the pain and suffering I was causing that had me questioning the meaning of it all, but mostly it was the goo, all that damn cytoplasmic goo. Every fuckin day with that shit. Felt like I could never get clean.”

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Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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