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So many things I have read about loss since the sudden and unexpected death of my wife almost nine months ago now. They all mostly say the same thing and ring hollow in my ears. Yet I still go on. Not following any advice but simply pushing forward every day, waking up every morning, getting out of bed, going to work, doing something, anything, when all I want to do is roll over, pull the covers up over my head, fall back to sleep and never wake up again.

I experience a portion of the so called seven stages of grief every day, sometimes every hour of every day. Cycling rapidly through each, shock and disbelief, guilt, anger, depression, denial they each come unbidden like a tsunami, washing over my head and heart in an endless cycle of misery and pain.

What of bargaining, what of hope and acceptance? I offered my bargain long ago, shortly after it happened. I was soundly rebuffed, I no longer even bother to try. Have I accepted things for what they are, do I ever feel hope for the future? Yes, I have accepted, and sometimes I am hopeful but then the cyclone returns, the waves pound, and my heart aches again so badly that if it were possible to describe in words I would not for I would fear for the well being of any who might read them.

I suppose it is not a falsehood to say I am better today than yesterday and yesterday better than the day before. What is not false though is not always true and I do not know if I will ever be “healed” or find “peace”. For now I keep getting out of bed each morning. I keep existing, going on.

Dan

p.s. VW I love you! I miss you so much.

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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