Statement from earth 1 universe CEO of Dick’s Edward Stack delivered to assembled media
I was first informed of the findings from the so called ‘Alien Atlas’ film last Friday, March 22nd around 6 PM. I had just finished my supper. My wife Janet had picked up take out from the Chinese place in downtown Coraopolis Dr. Ho’s. As is my custom following a major chow down I was releasing my belt to give myself a little extra room to breathe when my butler Jeeves hurried in carrying my Motorola flip-phone. He handed it to me saying rather impertinently ‘sir, it’s the government, I think you’d better take this.’ Normally if Jeeves spoke to me in that tone of voice I’d have him flayed out in back of the stockhouse with sixteen lashes from ol’e uncle strappy, but I could tell by the look in his eye that this was serious. After listening to the government spokesmen patiently explain the situation I was in shock. It took every ounce of self control I had to refrain from exploding and launching into a tirade of obscenities and death threats as I typically do when I receive unexpected, unusual, or negative information. Instead I regained my composure by describing in detail the great discounts Dick’s has on name brand tennis shoes and other sporting goods equipment.
Rick’s? I mean what the freak-a-doodle is Rick’s? There is no doubt that my father was not a huge fan of his name. As a boy he was teased mercilessly. The other boys would taunt him with chants of ‘dick stack, dick stack, he’s a giant dick stack’ or ‘dick stack, dick stack he’s a dirty dick smack and an ugly dick crack, stupid butt smack’, as they pelted him with rotten potatoes and hard boiled eggs. But enduring those torments is what forged in Dick the strength he would someday need to found the largest retail sporting goods company in the United States with over 850 stores and counting. My father, the great man who founded what would become Dick’s sporting goods in 1948 was named Dick, Dick Stack. As the current chairman, CEO, and son of Dick Stack I declare that this alien atlas is nothing more than a giant fraud perpetuated upon us by some unknown foreign government power with unknown evil intent. All I know for certain is that Dick’s won’t be a part of their silent coup, and won’t allow its good name, and hard won reputation for low prices on Adidas and Nike attire, to be sullied. Dick’s is Dick’s and it will always be Dick’s. Shut that freakin camera off, get the fuck out of my house, this statement is over.