Techno-Utopian Sycophant Tom Friedman Craps out Another Best Seller

Famed gasbag, techno-utopian, and author Tom Friedman has crapped out yet another best seller. His latest masterpiece puts you in the drivers seat to the future! In it he combines the latest in tech/business babble speak with semi-sensical (English) grammar to produce strings of words that many have suggested approach the level of complexity required of complete sentences. Some of these sentence like entities even begin with the first letter capitalized and have a period at the end. Hell yeah bitch!

Ever wonder why the masters of the universe in Silicon Valley seem to be getting ahead and raking in the big bucks while you remain stuck in that same old 9–5 shitshow you call a career? Answer, stop being a pessimist you piece of shit. This is the age of accelerations (acceleration with an s mother fucker. everything is plural in the valley, bitch!). Maybe you just need to get some fucking Rollerblades. You heard me I said Rollerblades. Let Professor Friedman take you school as he describes a get together with a Google executive thusly, “he arrived at our interview on rollerblades, which is how he keeps up with his daily crush of meetings.”

Will I ever be that in demand for meetings? Probably not because I am not an innovator. Mr. Google on the other hand is so fucking busy he needs Rollerblades to make all his meetings. Damn! Meanwhile I’m still walking to my meetings like a dumbass. I have at most two or three meetings a day and I can just walk to each of them because I’m not really all that busy. On top of that I show up on time, or sometimes even early, like a punk. What the fuck is wrong with me? According to Tom “This isn’t complicated: the most educated people who plug into the most flows and enjoy the best governance and infrastructure win.” That’s my problem right there, not enough flows. I fucking knew it. Here I am stroking my balls, enjoying the best damn governance and infrastructure the world has to offer, while the entire time I’m overlooking the flows.

If only I had learned how to code instead of wasting my time pursuing a Ph.D. in science. At this very moment I might be Rollerblading along the flows, showing up late, and getting non stop blow jobs. Instead I suffer through daily lectures from my parents about the folly of my chosen path. Even now my mom is in the living room muttering under her breath just loud enough for me to hear, “science is so last century Danny, technology that’s the future”.

Anyway don’t buy his book. It fucking sucks.

Thank You for Being Late: An Optimist’s Guide to Thriving in the Age of Accelerations (Unabridged) by Thomas L. Friedman

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Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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