Tired of slaving away up to 45 minutes a day cranking out listicles and blog posts about your kids first day in whatever grade? Sick of watching everybody else get famous while you still live at home with your parents and drive you mom’s car? Get so angry you want to commit genocide every time another crap piece from The Mission racks up 100K + views, while the author of said crap luxuriates in applause and adulation from their 250K + followers? I have spent the past ten minutes thinking about this problem and have compiled a list of the top five most important things you need to know about gaining followers on Medium. Memorize and employ these tips and you will be gaining followers faster than any bot on the site.
1. Get an account on Medium, write something (preferably but not necessarily interesting) and publish it. It does not even have to be the paid membership, just sign up and write
You would be surprised at how many people overlook this critically important step. If you do not sign up, write, and publish here you will never gain any fans. As an added bonus just for signing up the site will spot you at least 200 followers. Thanks to an unbelievable proliferation of follower bot accounts you will feel like a popular writer from your very first published article. Speaking of bots this leads to number 2.
2. Never question the reality of your followers
Sure Uranus Yoda and Ucaca Waa may sound totally made up but who’s to say in this topsy turvey world in which we live. Also, even if they are fake it is super easy to pretend they are real. I even turned some of my favorite follower bots into best friends. We have such wacky adventures together. Someday I hope to have at least one real friend but I am a realist. I bet you didn’t think a professional sporting event or a corporation could be a follower either which brings me to number 3.
3. Don’t worry if the majority of your followers are not actually people*
Not only are companies, sporting events, concerts, travel guides, etc. not people, they also may or may not exist, this is not something you should concern yourself with. They are your followers and that means they saw something special in a thing that you wrote about and published. You would turn away someone/thing that paid you that great a compliment? You sir or madam are an asshole. You probably do not even take time to respond to comments made on any of your posts which brings me to point number 4.
4. Respond to comments on your posts whenever possible. Always is a good choice for how often
One or more of your followers or potential future followers has taken time out of their very busy schedule to post a comment on an article by an unknown asshole like yourself. They are clearly losers but that doesn’t mean you have the right to treat them as such. Show them some respect and at the very least say thank you for reading and commenting. It is only common courtesy, asshole. That said never, ever, get too emotionally involved in the comments or with any person(s) who might post one, which leads me to point number 5
5. Do not get emotionally involved with your comments and/or commenters
People who comment on your posts are not potential friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/life-partners or casual acquaintances, they are just random nobodies with way too much time on their hands. Treat them as such and do not invest very much time and/or energy into dealing with them. As long as you are sure to follow rule #4 religiously you will be golden.
*As an illustration of the potential power of this approach below are some examples of some other (non-person) followers and/or potential followers on Medium I have made up: The theory of Evolution, The feeling you get when you smell freshly cut grass, The feeling you get when you smell grass just after it rains, Sense of self worth, Beauty, Arrogance 2016, Paper money, Liquid water, Helium, Finger Nails, Domestic partners, Kid Rock’s butt crack sweat, The meaning of life, Death, Death 2010 the re-deathening, Anthrax the bacterium, Anthrax the band-the concept, Nose hairs, etc., The concept of etc., The idea of etc., The letters that make up the abbreviation etc., The question-What does etc. stand for, etc.
I hope you see that I could go on and on and on, and you can too. If you are really smart and know how to use a computer or have access to a younger person who does you could even use one of those fancy random word generators and string together a bunch of random words to make nonsense terms. Just put the words [A new term “insert random words”] and blam-o instant followers.