The Book Of The Belt

The Book of The Belt is without a doubt the most famous single volume of Kip Masterson’s groundbreaking epic quadrilogy, The Belt Tales Chronicles — The Death of Belts with Holes

“When the last belt with holes disappears from this planet earth what will become of us as a people, what will become of humankind?”

2026. From: The Book of The Belt, Chapter V, Section IX, Subsection IV, Paragraph XXII, Verse 16

Over the course of a mere six thousand three hundred twenty two single spaced, calibri, 8 pt font pages Mr. Masterson describes in horrifying detail the pulse pounding, nerve wracking, heartbreaking and maddening events immediately preceding and proceeding the death of the last belt with holes a a little less than ten years ago today. Since that terrible day mankind has carried on, tried to make the best of things. Yet we can not help but be reminded of all that we have lost each time we put on a pair of pants that are a little too big in the waste, reach for a belt, and find naught but velcro or strap and clasp type belts in various non hole containing formats available to choose from.

If we are able to somehow make it through the shock and sadness of selecting a non hole having belt we are then forced to suffer the confusion of adjusting and the humiliation of wearing such a grotesque thing. If only belts with holes were not dead…..if only. For how does one adjust a belt without holes and the little pokey thing that sticks through the holes and holds it at the correct setting for your particular waste and hip size, but sometimes is a little off because the holes have to be spaced at regular intervals and usually the intervals are not exactly right for any given mid line? How indeed? A clasp type belt that can be pulled snug to any size would seem to be the perfect solution. In fact, many had suggested, before the death of the last belt with holes, that it was in fact the best design for a belt. Some said it was a design so great that it may presage the death of belts with holes. And they laughed and laughed, oh how they laughed.

If they are laughing now it is because they have gone mad or have been exposed to laughing gas, or have smoked a ton of weed and saw something semi humorous but because they are so high it seemed like the funniest fucking thing ever. There is nothing funny about the death of belts with holes, nothing funny in the least. In fact I would argue it is the exact opposite of funny, it is the anti-funny, the thing which when exposed to funny results in that which is funny and its own complete annihilation, much like what occurs at the meeting of matter and anti-matter. Unlike the collision of proton and anti proton, neutron and anti-neutron, the resulting explosion does not generate the energy to power a starship as it travels the galaxy exploring strange new worlds and meeting new life and civilizations, rather it simply makes a giant crater and sends dust and smoke flying, and a small mushroom cloud, and the people who see it oooh and aaah like the sheep they are.

Finally the greatest humiliation of all, the wearing of the belt without holes. To be forced to be seen in public with a monstrous abomination strapped around ones waste like some sort of non belt with hole wearing asshole is the final straw in the Mountain Dew filled glass of shit that is all of our lives now that the last belt with holes is dead. Each day we go about hither and yon, tither and fro, doing our dirty deeds, thunderstruck, like some AC/DC liking turd for brains who wouldn’t know a real metal band if all the members of Slayer, including a drummer so insane that he left each live show in a wheelchair because his calves would seize up from sick amounts of double bass, Dave Lombardo, walked into their bedrooms, dropped their drawers, and wrote the words AC/DC sucks in diarrhea and piss on the floor.

Please come back belts with holes, mankind cannot go on like this. We need you now more than ever. My pants are falling as I type these words. God have mercy on us all.