The Buttchuggers™ Bible Project

Today it is with great pride and serious trepidation that I officially open the ButtChuggers® bible project. I apologize for misuse and overuse of the ™®© symbols. It is is entirely satirical. I claim no protection, legal or otherwise over the various names, gadgets, menu items, etc. used in the ButtChuggers world. Frankly I am much more worried about the following. The content in the ButtChuggers project is seriously NSFW and not for the easily offended. In fact if you have ever been offended by anything at any time in your life you will no doubt be offended by at least some of the content. I condemn in the strongest terms the views sometimes avowed by the seedy cast of characters who populate the world where ButtChuggers exists. Proceed at your own risk. Due to my very high level of concern on this point I am waiting to publish some of the more inflammatory stuff. It is unfortunate because I personally feel it is the funniest.

I wish there were a way to transmit these to you the way the voices in my head say them as I write them. It really adds a layer of nuance that text alone just can’t capture. Imagine a mix of early morning radio DJ, used car salesmen tv add on local cable, and super earnest and genuinely excited about his future earnings potential 1970s wannabe tv star in Hollywood auditioning for a spot in a commercial which he fails to get, falls into a pit of despair, turns to drugs and alcohol, crashes and burns, then resurrects his career in his mid fifties as the grizzled but wise dad in a short lived but eventual cult smash 1980s sitcom called Here comes the Boss. The mix of those three things is the ButtChuggers pitchman, CEO, head of marketing, and director of strategy and new product development.

Hopefully I am way overthinking this and it’s a non-issue but I will play it conservative in part one. If I could look each and every reader directly in the eye before they begin I would tell them all that I love them. Regardless of who what where why or how they are. I would thank them for taking the time to read this stupid shit and apologize profusely if I offend or most especially if I hurt anyone. To the few regular readers of my other stuff I only say this. Imagine the exact opposite of everything I typically write about. If that scares you and it probably should then I suggest you go no further now. I will be back to writing about my views on how the core tenets of the Philosophical Foundations of Modern Neuroscience can be applied to help elucidate the implications of human head transplantation before you know it. Either that or in jail. Maybe both. Lastly item three. There is a certain let’s call it style to the humor in the BBP and the ordinary rules of grammar and punctuation most certainly do not apply. It will probably take you a little time to pick up on it if you care to bother. I admit it can be difficult trying to follow a back and forth conversation with no quotation marks or the usual indicators like Joe replied, or and then she said, etc. Also time jumps around everywhere. The same people suddenly have different names, etc. This is not a conventional story in any traditional sense. It mostly exists as long strings of text messages S. and myself sent back and forth over the past year or so. In fact until now that was only how it existed. All that said drop your drawers spread your cheeks and be prepared to get hit square in the big brown eye, ladies and gentlemen ButtChuggers is open for business…

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Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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