The Further Adventures of the High School Biology Teacher — Will He Ever Get a Date? And Then He Dies

Poor Mr. Dennis the high school biology teacher. He is a very attractive man, the nicest guy in the world, would make any woman so happy yet he can still not get a date. It seems that his meager salary, lack of boats, and general absence of interesting dreams, let alone interesting dreams fulfilled make him unsuitable as a potential mate for the vast majority of women in America.

There is always the young new English teacher in room 301. She is a teacher herself. But she also finds him unsuitable. She hates not having money so why would she date Mr. Dennis.

He thinks that maybe the new strip club that opened up downtown could provide an answer. He fancies one of the bartenders. Plus she’s a drug addict so rich to her is on a sliding scale. But she only agrees to see him for the drug money and actually finds his nice guy act repulsive. She wants a bad boy. A little dangerous even. She gets off on that. High school bio teacher not dangerous.

The Internet will deliver the girl of his dreams. It can’t fail. Turns out that high school biology teacher listed as a career generates about as many clicks as internet videos that teach you how to iron jeans.

Concurrently with the internet dating fiasco our high school biology teacher gets sideswiped by a drunk driver while pulling out of the high school parking lot. Fucks up his back something fierce. He has to take disability and recover at home for a month. Guess what happens two weeks into his vacation at casa de dennis. He gets laid off. The damn township voted down the latest property tax increase and the school districts fires 20% of its staff. That hurts. He just can’t catch a break.

So he starts looking for work but the competition is intense due to the sudden flooding of the local job market from the mass firings. Plus he really doesn’t have many skills. He only ever got his associates in bio from the community college over in Redford. The one where that mass shooting happened back in 2002. It was big news at the time. He happened to be on his way to class but luckily his piece of shit 92 Corolla got a flat for the third time in two months on the way. That flat might have saved his life. Damn I miss the car he thinks to himself. Anyway once they cleared the bodies and blood he went back and finished in only three years. He had to take out 20k in student loans on account of the fact the state pulled all community college funding the very same year he started.

So he graduates with a shit ton of debt, and meaningless piece of paper he still refers to as his degree. He framed it and hung it up in his “office” at the high school. Of course when they fired him the district did not have any money to ship people back their stuff. They left it out on a table in the parking lot of the school for 24h and put a one line ad in the local paper announcing the plan. Of course nobody saw it except for one enterprising young town resident. This kid borrows his dad’s car and loads all the shit from the table into the trunk in the middle of the night. Sells it slowly online over the next six months. He netted $89.26. Of course nobody bought the framed degree so he took it out in the back yard and used it for target practice. ce la vie shit degree.

Finding a girl was his number two priority now. He needed gainful employment. So he beefed up his resume by adding a line that read, Proven track record of achieving 100% on time class start two years in a row. He had read somewhere that employers liked power words like proven and specific accomplishments with measurable results.

He eventually found work at the local Arby’s. Quickly rose through the ranks to second shift manager than bought a gun. He went home, drank two beers, ate a taco and shot himself to death on the toilet. There was was quite a mess in the bathroom and specifically in the toilet. I guess he ate a lot of Arby’s on account of his job and his bowels evacuated when he pulled the trigger. They eventually had to condem his place because the smell got so bad.

I was pretty depressed when I found out. Dennis died without getting a single date. Two weeks later I ran into the school librarian Miss Jenny at the local Krogers and she told me that her and dennis had actually gone out once. They went to see Transformers 2 at that theatre where they show third run movies for the second time. She said the movie hurt her ears but that she found him nice overall and kind of cute but that it would never work as she was looking for a man with “better earnings potential”. Ouch.

And the circle of life continued minus one underpaid but really probably a great catch for the right girl who was willing to settle or desperate, high school biology teacher.

The end

Gosh that was sad.

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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