What is AI? — Artificial technology or AI is a putative, entirely theoretical, currently non-existent, ill-defined, possibly non-definable (concept, thing, being, computer, program, robot, etc.) that will either a.) solve all the worlds problems or b.) end the world. Actually (b) would solve all the worlds problems in a way, if you really think about it.

How can your business benefit AI?- But wait a minute, you might be saying to yourself, if AI doesn’t exist how can I possibly use it to grow my business? I’m no 1970s mustachioed pornstar Elon Musk, Im just your average Joe business owner. The answer is simple my average friend, your business can benefit from AI through the magic of hype. This simple yet powerful 4 letter word can transform even the largest of turds into gold plated cash machines. With the power of AI, and more importantly hype, you will be shitting hundreds and vomiting twenties. You had better hurry though because the “singularity” is “just around the corner” and could “happen any time now” or in 2020 or in 2045 or whenever, and once it does the earth will be transformed into a new a garden of Eden, only it won’t be a garden it will be a big pile of circuits and what not. Wait, what? Don’t worry about that average Joe businessman you just focus on the now.

Isn’t AI just one of those tech buzzwords like machine learning or predictive analytics, you know one of those terms that sounds all cutting edge and transformative but are really just different ways of describing software packages that use advanced statistical approaches and clever mathematics to analyze huge amounts of input data and then output different data based on their programming and the desires of their users? — Yes. Don’t forget neural networks. Also one of those things.

Follow up question are the algorithms that make use of those statistical and mathematical approaches often iterative, repeating steps, and parts of steps and changing in response to differing inputs over time almost like a hypothetico-deductive reasoning process a human might use? Whoa! Slow down there Aristotle. Yeah sure, I guess, possibly, so what?

What are “deep” AI, “types” of AI, “hard” and “soft” AI? These are what are known as hedges. When someone is called out on their bullshit yet they do not wish to concede that in fact what they have been saying is bullshit, they often resort to hedges. This allows them to continue milking the money train that the original bullshit started rolling while at the same time giving them plausible deniability when the inevitable crash happens. For example, “Mr. Tech genius you told us AI existed, that it was being used now in actual products that consumers could buy. How do you explain that?” “If you examine my statements closely you will see that I never said that, I said types of AI were being used, soft AI, not the deep AI that most people think of….blah, blah, etc.”

If these terms are basically made up why are the people “making” and marketing them swimming in pools of cocaine and getting blowjobs from between 2–5 supermodels at the same time every night? Because the world is a very unfair place. However, don’t despair because if you play by the rules, study, work hard, and are honest you will arrive home from your job each night with a sense of satisfaction that…ah fuck it. I give up. Where can I sign up for that nanodegree program in machine learning? Udacity here I come! The fightin Udes!

Written by

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/mol biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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