World’s Top Microorganisms Gather in Last Ditch Effort to Stop SARS-CoV-2

In a meeting of great historical import the leaders of the world’s formerly deadliest pathogens agreed today to work together to fight SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID19 disease. Eric Bolanger (Ebola) leader of the viral hemorrhagic fever contingent stood shoulder to shoulder with his former rival and rumored current love interest EEVE (Eastern equine encephalitis) to announce they would be working together to find and eradicate SARS-CoV-2 “wherever” it may be. In a statement Bolanger said “we must find and kill SARS-CoV-2 before it can find and kill all the humans we used to find and kill. We must act now or soon there will be no more humans left for any microorganism to kill. Without humans around for killing our lives would have no meaning.” When one reporter pointed out that it is not possible to kill SARS-CoV-2 since, as a virus, it is not technically alive Bolanger replied simply “fuck off.”

The newly formed highly pathogenic bacterial brigades were in complete agreement with their viral brothers in arms. Interim leader Yersinia (black death) Pestis, one of the most accomplished human killers in all of history said “what SARS-CoV-2 is doing simply cannot be allowed to stand. Sure back in my day, in the pre antibiotic and pre vaccine era this sort of behavior was acceptable and even expected. Heck the stupid humans hadn’t even figured out the germ theory of disease. Germ, by the way is prejudiced term loaded with negative historical connotations and should never be used, the correct term is microorganism. In any event, in this day and age this sort overly aggressive human killing is way out of line and is giving all our highly pathogenic microbial brothers and sisters an even worse reputation than they already had.

SARS-CoV-2 could not be reached for comment as it was currently too busy killing humans.